you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
Randomize
