i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
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