Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
It's like the water temple from zelda. but with more tits.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
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