The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
Randomize