She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
Randomize
