Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
