anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
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