Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Randomize
