You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
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