Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Randomize
