Need sex. Gaining weight.
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
Randomize
