So she couldn't stop dragging her teeth while she was blowing me.
Ahh dude, that fucking sucks, what'd you do about it?
Decided to drag my teeth while eating her out... She got the point.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
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