Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
Randomize
