god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Randomize
