Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
Do you think they'll have a special part during the BET awards for Michael Jackson even though he turned white?
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
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