You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
Randomize
