Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
Randomize
