we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
being pregnant is like rehab
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
