i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Randomize
