We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
