We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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