How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
Pants are for mortals
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
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