I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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