I wish I could teleport
apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
Randomize
