I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
I would like to add..this is the first november for two years that i haven't cheated on a bf...thank you..thank you
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Randomize
