I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
