i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Randomize
