Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
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