chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
I told her I was pledging and she immediately proposed to give me head in the bathroom. i love how easy rushees are
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Randomize
