I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
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