hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
Randomize
