Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Randomize
