No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Randomize
