so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
my shit smells like andre
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Randomize
