I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
