I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Nobody cheats on THIS.
Randomize
