Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize
