I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
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