Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
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