It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
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