I molested 6 butterflies tonight
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
