I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
Randomize
