It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
Randomize
