My hair reeks of homosexuality.
What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
Holy shit dude........stairs
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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