Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
