Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
i will never coherently bang her
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
to answer your questions bluetooth, 30ft, like a tampon, ask her, her idea, got tired of trying to find her in crowed clubs
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Randomize
