On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
Randomize
