id be glad to
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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