glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
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