I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
Randomize
