I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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