Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
Randomize
