Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
