Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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