it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Randomize
