help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
